So I had my niece, a stubborn six-year-old girl with my dream hair, stay around my house for a couple of nights the other day, and I thought that after going shopping and taking her to the park and hulahooping and whatnot that she'd be a bit tired and I could relax. But oh no Amy, how naive can you be? Of course she had a lot of energy left over. And of course cupcake making was the remedy for that. Naturally.
So here's how to bake cupcakes with a six-year-old and not lose your mind, although the former statement is not guaranteed.
You will need:
- Patience
- Perseverance
- Persistence
For the cupcakes:
- 2 free range eggs
- 100g dairy free butter (I used Vitalite)
- 100g self-raising flour
- 100g caster sugar
- 2 tablespoons of vanilla essence
For the icing:
- 500g icing sugar
- 5g food colouring approx.
Firstly, get your willing six-year-old and get her to crack two eggs into a bowl (then throw it away and start again because she's shattered shell everywhere), along with two tablespoons of vanilla essence and 100g of vegan butter (where she puts in 270g so you have to spoon it all out afterwards).
Get your six-year-old to sift 100g of flour into a bowl (then realise there was no point because she tipped all the lumps in at the end anyway), and then give her the electronic hand mixer, devilishly turn it up to full speed and sit back and relax.
Taadaa! You should now be feeling pretty proud of yourself for creating a pale substance like this, until, of course, the six-year-old decides that she's never cooking with you again because apparently you're the difficult one to work with. Glare profusely.
Show your six-year-old how to spoon the mix into the cases, despite being "difficult".
Force, I mean let your six-year-old wash up (and then rewash everything because she left everything covered in grease), whilst you let your cupcakes cook in the underperforming oven.
Take out your vegan cupcakes firstly when they're still liquid, secondly when they're as pale as, well, me, and third and finally when they're actually cooked - then just pretend that those premature cupcake pullouts were on purpose and you do in fact (sort of) know what you're doing.
Let your six-year-old start to mix together the 500g of icing sugar, 5g of colouring (which you thought was the worst in the pack but hey, let the six-year-old choose it) and a couple of teaspoons of water, until she complains that it's too hard and that you haven't quite worked enough so it's only fair you mix it. Obviously.
The six-year-old should then ice the cakes whilst you try to be nice and tell her that she's doing well, to which she replies that you're not. Remember to be a great auntie and not curse her.
Because your six-year-old should be doing oh so well, you should now end up with something resembling this... masterpiece.
Add on your chocolate bean decorations, panic that these are meant to be vegan cupcakes, check the ingredients, and then realise that they've used a weird chocolate substitute. Remind yourself that you are a great vegan.
Let your six-year-old decorate as many cupcakes as she desires, then when you notice that she keeps licking her fingers you decorate three cupcakes yourself so they're not contaminated with kid saliva.
And then you should end up with a set of twelve gorgeous vanilla cupcakes fully iced and decorated, a cracking headache and a six-year-old girl that now wants to do weightlifting with you. Voilá.
