why you should never visit wales ever

You know what I hate? Wales. London is incredible in regards for the three things it's good for (auditions, The Hard Rock Cafe, and Instagram photos), so in comparison you can only hate Wales and all the things it has to offer. Imagine, the businessmen don't look dead inside! People apologise when they run into you! People don't hate their jobs and livelihoods! If England had more sheep, I might consider it a better contender for #1 place to avoid at all costs, but alas, I am Welsh after all.


It's too affordable

From travel expenses to food to excursions - to even cinema tickets ($12 in Leicester Square, $6 in Swansea) - Wales is insanely cheap in comparison to London (and the majority of England in general). If you're someone who hasn't got endless funds to dwindle away, I would suggest staying far away from Wales as you'll probably be so enticed by how wonderfully affordable everything is that you'll probably want to stay here forever. Damn Wales, with its nifty tricks and horribly economical living.


There's way too much to do

Oh really, you saw the Shard, Hyde Park, and Big Ben in one day? Congrats, now you've got a week left in London and you've seen it all. Alas, if you stayed somewhere like Cardiff, you have literal months filled with things to see. Bored of Cardiff? Try Swansea. Bored of Swansea? Try Bridgend. And on it goes. The only downside is that you'll now want to quit your job, leave your wife, and pay off your mortgage so that you can spend every second of every day exploring this country. Honestly, it's addictive. I went to the Mumbles the other day (gorgeous beaches and little shops), and went home armed with the knowledge of places like Pentre Ifan and Dan-yr-Ogof. It's exhausting.

The locals are way too nice

One of the biggest social differences between Wales and England is the attitude of people when you pass them in the street. A bunch of times I've smiled at people I've walked past in London, because when it's a thin street and you're directed right at each other it'd be more awkward not to, which my English friends always find crazy. In return I tend to either get glared at or blanked completely, which is entirely different to when you're in Swansea and people grin, ask how you are, and comment on your new hairdo. I came down to Swansea a few days ago, and am already stunned at how people apologise when they walk a foot too close to you - in London it takes a full-body tackle to get anything.

In general, Welsh people are a lot friendlier to strangers (unless you accidentally call them English, in which case prepare to get shanked), and to be completely frank with you, it's something you can only hate. I went out to buy some onion chutney, and was caught completely off-guard when the server was genuinely interested in my life and how my day was going. Like please, I just want to buy some chutney and not feel like my life is as intriguing and inspiring as you are making it out to be. They can only aspire to be as blasé as the English, really. And hello, are you flirting with me, or are you just Welsh?

And too happy

In Wales we drink mountain water from our faucets (prepare to lose weight with the whole expelling-everything-you-eat-almost-immediately thing), name our places stupid things like Cwmrhydyceirw and Llangyfelach, and have access to a curious timezone called "now-in-a-minute" (too niche?) - and this all adds together to somehow create the happiest people ever. It's almost like the quality of life goes up the further away you are from the centre of London and all the grey skinned briefcase-clad people. People spend a lot more quality time with their families on days out around endless mountains, coastlines, and treks up Snowdonia, and are more motivated to leave the house and admire the richness and beauty that Wales holds. The Welsh have everything you could ask for, so prepare to feel like your own life is miserable in comparison.


Welsh cakes

Move out of the way, scones and eton mess, because here comes the much loved and much devoured Welsh cake. 'What's a Welsh cake?', I hear you ask? Heaven. Welsh cakes are heaven. Nothing more than sugar, sultanas, and magic, these little beauties beat everything in England. The Lake District? The cute little London accents? The London Dungeons? Welsh cakes beat every possible thing England has to offer, all in a bite. So please, stay far away from Wales so that there's more for us. Thanks.

Technically the founder of America

In 1170 a young Welsh prince, Madog Ab Owain Gwynedd, made his way to what we now consider to be the most influential and impressive place in the world, the USA. This is hundreds upon hundreds of years before Christopher Columbus even existed, let alone was credited for his biggest voyage. Not only did the Welsh people discover America, but 13/17 signatures on the American Declaration of Independence were written by Welsh men, and North America was nearly a Welsh-speaking continent. So really, you should really avoid Wales at whatever cost because the country is too damn pretentious, rewriting history books and crap.

The beaches are too breathtakingly beautiful

One of the biggest things about Wales is the sheer amount of beaches that it is home to. I'm currently sat in a little house in Swansea, and I can name three different bays that are all in a fifteen minute radius from where my ass is sitting on a couch. The beaches are kept pretty near spotless, and are the most breathtaking I've ever been able to witness. You've kinda got to hate them, because they're too damn nice and will ruin beaches for you. You've been to Three Cliffs Bay? Well done, you'll now never see a better seaside view, and your life is wrecked because of it. This whole thing is vastly different to London, where your closest beach is hours away and is made up of shingles, condoms, and regret.


Pot Noodles are Welsh

Our greatest invention may be made entirely up of chemicals and watered down misery, but like the whole country, you will fall in love with it.

Castles are everywhere

I remember when I lived in England and it was such a big thing to go on a school trip to a castle, yet if I pop out for a coffee in Wales I'll have to weave through a castle or two. I'm not even kidding, there's something like over 600 castles up here, and there's so many that a bunch of them are just sat next to pubs or cinemas and no one pays any attention because they're just normal buildings. It's annoying because Wales is the stuff of fairytales, and you've got to hate it because otherwise you will hate everywhere else in the world ever.


Home to the world's greatest legends

Speaking of fairytales, I bet you didn't know that a bunch of England's famous legends are actually stolen from the Welsh. Like King Arthur, that guy that few recall to have some sort of association with a round table, who is actually that of Welsh folklore. And famed beautiful leader Boudicca is of Welsh origin also, which makes sense considering the deep Celtic connections a lot of these stories have. Wales is often referred to as 'the land of the Gods', and for those of you that adore myths and legends, Wales trumps that of England any day. So really you should never go to Wales ever because it will make you wonder what else the English have stolen from the Welsh, and you will hate London with a vengeance. (But it's okay, because Wales isn't represented on the GB flag, so England will forever hold that over us. Also, England has actual people like Shakespeare, but we don't count that.)


Everyone smells sickeningly good
This sounds like a massive generalisation, but it's also damn true. If a guy doesn't use at least three bottles of Lynx in a day then he's not really Welsh, and in which case, we hate him. You're likely to pass out if the car windows are up in a car you share with a Welsh person, but it's the sacrifice you've got to make to smell good.

And so, that summarises why Wales is better than England a place that you should try to avoid at all costs. Of course, this post is heavily satirical, but I'm Welsh and have to inadvertently say that Wales is a better place to go, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd be left to rot with our 10 million sheep. Anyway, Wales even has a goddamn dragon on the flag. Does England have a dragon? Does Ireland have a dragon? Heck, does anywhere else in the entire world have a dragon on their flag? No, and that's why Wales rules, and why you should drop everything to come to this beautiful country right now. We have cake.